A combination of my brother's heart attack (hes doing good now by the way) and a huge blowout at my work with the two people I hate the most, I had a massive Anxiety attack. I thought I was having a heart attack, my heart was beating like crazy, my chest hurt, I was so in so much stress I didn't know what to do. This went on for a few days. The first few days were horrible horrible. I got massive hot face flushes and my teeth always clenched and I would panic out of nowhere. My mind kept thinking about what was happening, not knowing what to do, and that made it worse. Day and night I was in really bad shape. My breath was hard to catch in these modes. I looked up the symptoms and they were either a heart attack, or a massive anxiety attack. The more I read, (of course) the more I freaked my self out, but my strict deductive mentality kept telling me that I was having anxiety, because not all the symptoms of a heart attack were there. Also, as soon as I walked out of the work building, it would diminish, greatly. The more I read, the better control I was able to put on it. I psychoanalyze myself. I believe that in that moment (along with the panic of my brothers heart attack in the back of my mind) I was helpless, as mentally helpless as a baby in the woods. Something snapped that moment and it sent me reeling over the edge of a long cliff. To dig deep here, my father used to beat us brothers as kids, pretty badly. At one point, I was about 6 or 7, and in the morning, before school, he had beat me so badly, but till this day, I can't remember it. I DO know that when I got to school, the teachers freaked out on how I looked I guess. I was sent to the nurses office and they called the police. I remember them taking pictures of me, I guess I was pretty beat up. After that, we, my brothers and I, were taken away from my house for awhile, and lived with my aunt and uncle. Sometime later, we were back home, like from a long vacation. He never touched us again after that. till this day, I don't know remember what he did to me or what happened to him, but everything changed after that. I believe that I still suffer from some trauma from that time and I believe that that day in the office, it triggered the same emotion.
Since then, I still suffer from some minor problems, but going back to work, confronting the people on a daily basis, telling myself i'm not going to die, is helping. I'm feeling better and better each day, little by little. The anxiety is wearing away. I'm trying to rationalize the situation and my own mentality towards something better and more positive. Deep breathing and relaxation helps a lot too. I felt like I needed to tell you guys, since, in a sense, some of you have become like a DA family and I appreciate the support.
My book is now entering the inking phase and I've got a lot of projects that I've put off for years in the makings now. I need to look at a brighter future and know that the mind is a fragile thing, and a powerful thing, and I need to utilize it towards something better and greater. I will prevail. I will overcome.